"...even when you disobey..."

I was at the computer in the bedroom and I heard "Mama, mama, mama...." coming from my three year old's bedroom.

I must say, I absolutely love going in her room after she is tucked in for the night.  It is always a sweet time.  I am often reminded how these years will be gone that she will want me to come back in and so I try to do it even if she hasn't called my name.  It's just her and I. The busyness of the day is behind us.

Tonight was different than ever before....

"Mama, you forgot to take my pigtails out."

"Ok, I will take them out and put it in a bun so you don't get sweaty.  I love you so much.  Do you know how much I love you?"

"Yes, I know....even though you don't obey sometimes..." (voice trailing off)

Wondering where she is going with this, I ask "What do you mean?"

"Sometimes you don't love me when you are a sinner.  You need a Savior."

"Yes, I am a sinner and I need a Savior.  Jesus is my Savior."

"Yes and you disobey and don't love me and you are a sinner. You don't love me when you talk unkindly."

Oh man.  Out of the mouth of my three year old. Ring in the tears from mama's eyes. 

I learned two things tonight.  Wow, she really does listen to what I have to say (both when I am unkind and when I am asking for her forgiveness) and that it is really hard to hear those words from my daughter.  To actually hear her say I don't love her.  And I started to assure her that I do love her--always.

But I don't.  I don't love her when I sin against her.  I love my sin and self more than I love her and more than I love my God.

I have to confess my sin to her and ask for her forgiveness on a very regular basis.  But it was so different hearing it come from her lips.  To hear from her the way she hearing and processing things.

When I speak harshly to her and lose my self control, I am not loving her as I should.  In my sinful state I never will.  I kept telling her that I do love her even though I am a sinner and that praise be to God I do have a Savior and can love her better.

Children are a blessing.  This girl makes me laugh, sigh, pull my hair out, and cry.  But she also makes me lean on Jesus and reminds me of my need for Him.  I'm just a toddler in an over-sized body.  My children and I struggle with the same things-but their sin is out for all to see.  So often when I'm correcting my child I just think 'man, I wish I could listen to my own words!' The Lord has given me children to sanctify me and change me more into His likeness, no doubt. 

Too often I think I can do it in my own strength and I forget that I cannot love as I should.  My children are a blessing because they show me my need and point me back to my Savior.  God has given me these children as a gift.  As an act of mercy and kindness to cause me to fall more in love with Him and lay at the foot of the cross.

No matter how much I 'get it together' or even how much the Lord grows me in holiness, I will never be that perfect mother. I will never love her perfectly.  But there is One who does and I can love her best if I point her to Him. 

Not sure the point of all this.  But my computer was already open from when I went into her room.  I took her out to the rocking chair and rocked with her and we sang and talked.  So I tucked her back in and want to share my thoughts. Had to type it out before I forgot her words. 

I can only pray that God would use this imperfect vessel as a tool to point her to Himself.  That the sinfulness of this woman will point her to the sinless and perfect Lover of her soul.

Every time I love her as Christ loves her may I reflect Him.  And every time I must ask for forgiveness for failing to love her as Christ loves her may it show her that she needs a Savior just as her mommy does.